I just want to say back up your work. I have no idea what happened and I'm still reeling over the loss of the work. OMG. I want to throw something!!!! ;.;
Back up your work! PLEASE.
Thanks for coming to my TedTalk. ;.;
Characters: Diedre and Girtin
Warnings: PLEASE READ THEM. SKIP THIS CHAPTER IF YOU HAVE TO!!!!!!
Dissociation, Dissociative Amnesia, Mentions of Murder/Child Abuse (can be missed), Depression, Suicide (not descriptive)
WE are looking for Silen. Is that what we are going to find?
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When I came to, I was walking. Why was I walking? I can't remember. The last thing I remember was being on the floor, two worried faces staring back at me. Then nothing. I don't remember how I got here. That's about normal now, isn't it? I can't help but feel helpless in this situation.
"Diedre!" A shout at my ear tore me out of my daze. I don't remember stopping. Turning to the sound, I numbly noticed Girtin's worried face. He noticed my gaze, huffing slightly before turning away. He must have been worried. He crosses his arms. "You. Just. Can't. DO. THAT! What the heck happened?!" His eyes swept up and down my body, looking for an injury. The grip on his arms is turning his knuckles white. He eyed the scythe for the longest time almost glued to my hand, held in a death grip, before covering his eyes, groaning.
"Girtin...I." I settle on his wide eyed glare full of concern, trying to think of how to calm him down. "I'm ok, I think. I don't remember...anything right now."
"You think you're ok?? Oh, that's great. Had me worked up over nothing!" His voice dripping with sarcasm. "No really, that's awesome. Ms. Ona was going to call the hospital, but then UP you go! Out the door and down the road, mumbling up a storm, scythe in hand. You looked...wrong."
"I'm fine Girtin."
"We thought you died, Diedre." Girtin stopped me, holding my arms at my sides, our height difference even more apparent.
I just looked at the friend that had become a stranger. How could I tell him that? It was horrible to even think about. Though that ship has sailed, hasn't it? I just had to keep going and hopefully get to that bridge later.
"I got better." I deadpan. Girtin's hollow expression shows no laughter, only pain. Oh. It was that bad huh? I was wrong again.
"What happened to you back there, Diedre? Not just in the house, but...where are you in the real world? What changed?" Girtin bit his lip before continuing," You are so different. You'd never endanger yourself like that! I can't keep up. I mean, you left everyone behind here; I was the only one left."
"I never thought I'd see you again, Diedre, you know that? I was completely ok with never seeing your face again. You came back with that dang scythe looking like some weirdo in a story book, acting like you didn't even know us!"
"I'm sorry-"
"Even Betha thinks it's weird! Oh, yes, I've talked with her! SHE'S sooooo worried about you. After all, you are her BEST friend! She said you didn't remember her at first and even forgot she died. DIED. How am I supposed to believe you even remember me?" Girtin screamed at me, tearing at his hair.
Then, as quickly as his anger started, it cooled into regret. I could see his body curl into itself. He took more than a couple of deep breaths. He didn't look at me. It was shocking to say this least, but not that surprising. He was right: I did leave him behind. I didn't do it on purpose, I was so young when my mother left the city with me in tow, but I did it all the same. I never wrote. I never called. I never even visited. I wish I could just blame my mother on all of this, but I couldn't, not in good faith. I'm an adult now; I live on my own and pay my own bills. I can't blame my mother for something I could've done myself. Even with all the blood I've seen. With all the friends my young eyes had seen buried.
"It's not like it's your fault. I could never really blame you. " A quieter Girtin whispered to me, breaking the silence that had grown between us. "Betha, Silen, his mom....they never chose this. They hate it here. They don't deserve to be here. I do. I-I can't do this." Girtin broke down, trying to do the deep breathing again, just failing only just enough to keep the tears falling.
Something cold settled into my stomach. It felt like understanding. Girtin. I reached for him, his whimpering form, so unused to reacting to pain this way, sat on the floor crumbling. I held him in my arms, his head nestled in my chest. My eyes closed.
"I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I didn't want to hurt anyone, but I did. I left, Girtin, but I'm back now." It was never going to be enough. I just hope what I just said didn't cause him more pain.
"Diedre....I did something unforgivable." Girtin's voice was hard to hear, it was gravelly, more quiet than he had been for the past hour. I'd have to get him some water later.
"You don't have to tell me if you're not ready. We have a lot of time." I try to say in the most soothing voice.
"I have to tell you. I don't know how you'd react; I'd thought about it a lot since I'd seen you. I mean, I tried to keep it as normal as I could between us; like it used to be. That's kind of impossible now isn't it?"
"You can tell me anything. Just take your time. Don't force yourself, Girtin." I rub his back in little circles in a way that I hoped was soothing. How could I know that it was working?
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Girtin took a deep breath, "I guess I should start at the top, Diedre, since you missed out on it. Well, after you left, they found Silen. H-he was in bad shape, it was horrible. There was no way to save him or that other thing they found with him. It's never getting out. Never...but that's it. Please don't ask me about that. I don't want to talk about it." Girtin gripped me tighter.
"Then, Ms. Ona left town. I helped her move; it was so hard, we kept crying, trying to comfort each other. I was the only one who left to help her. Then it was just me. My uncle started flat out ignoring me. I couldn't take it, so I ran away." I didn't say anything. I just let him vent. It was horrible so think about it, but he kept talking.
"I just wanted to get away from everything. I had some bad thoughts about stuff. It just kept getting worse. I just wanted to make it stop."
Please make it stop.
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I could see the air becoming thick with a purple tinted miasma. Numbly I watched the swirls and just listened to Girtin breathing. It was kind of soothing. The little circles it made wrapping around us, inching closer and closer. It was wrong. All wrong. Girtin's steady breathing became more hurried, like he was running. All I did was clutch him tighter.
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It felt different where I was. I could hear the wind billow around me, pushing my long red hair into my eyes. I could barely see where I was. I was kneeling and Girtin was gone. In his place was a note with a stone on it.
It was horrible. It was a farewell. I couldn't read past the first sentence before looking away, refusing to face what was on it. I put it down, replacing the rock upon it.
Where was Girtin? I look around frantically. If it meant what I thought it meant, and he said what I thought he said...then why am I here? Dully I realize that I am on top of a building; one of the taller ones in the town I grew up in. A storm was in the distance and the wind was starting to pick up. There was a purple balloon on the roof's ac unit. I don't know what drew me to it, but it reminded me of him. It was strange, seeing it here, how did it get here?
"It's you." A voice says, breathlessly. I know it. Girtin. He looks like he did when we were younger: black hair and green eyes, not the sickly green it was before. Dark shadows hung under his teary red eyes. He smiled weakly at me. "You came back, Diedre. You look older. You look nice, a bit thin, but you are so tall."
"What am I doing here?" I painfully pleaded to him. He shrugged.
"What's done has already been done. Honestly, you could see, but I think you should stay put." He mournfully looked down street side, but quickly pulled away, looking back at me. "What now? I don't know, but I'm glad I could see you again, Diedre. I mean it, I really do.
"Why am I here?"
"I can't really answer that, but I think that I'm a spirit. Does that help, at all?" He tries to give his characteristic smirk at me, but that falls flat when he sees my frown deepen. "Ah, that was bad wasn't it? Diedre." His voice begins to plead with me. "You know what you're supposed to do. I'm a spirit. You're a reaper. No matter how much you hate it, how much it's going to hurt, you have to end me. I'd much rather you did it. I trust you."
No. I can't. I can't do that. No, don't make me do that. I can't believe that's the only way. If I'm going to end your suffering, I can't do that. I just got you back!
My hands grasp the scythe on the ground. I didn't remember it being there before; I think I would have noticed it, but it wouldn't have been the first time. I could maybe try something. My mind, grasping for straws, tries to remember what I was told before. That voice told me that I had options. What were they? Kill or save? What did that mean? Frustration and suffering bleeds into my thoughts, muddling them together. I can't. How could I?
Sever the regrets.
It was so simple.
"Girtin."
"Yes? Are you ready?"
"No, that's not what I'm going to do."
"Then what? I'm all ears." He looked like he was readying himself for a blow.
"What do you regret? Something you felt like you needed to do or say. Tell me."
Girtin pales at the mention of that. He doesn't meet my gaze. Come on Girtin, tell me. Do you want me to actually have to kill you? I can't do that. Just tell me. I don't care how bad it is.
"I can't do that! You can't make me say that! It's so stupid. It's bad." Girtin's face begins to redden under my scrutiny.
"Come on! It can't be that bad!" My heart is thumping. I think we don't have a lot of time! "Just tell me!-"
"Diedre, I love you!!" Girtin says it like he was struck, holding his head in his hands, covering his burning face. "I always have, ever since I met you when we were kids, I just, I just didn't know how to say it. When you left, I was heartbroken, I-I especially after losing Betha and Silen." Oh, he was crying. Oh, I'm crying. I rush to pull him of the edge of the roof, crushing him in a bear hug and smothering him.
Even if I couldn't remember, I would be strong for you. I promised you in my heart that moment.
A warmth enveloped the air around us. I pull back from Girtin. He's wildly glancing around at the misama that is forming into a ball, leaving his heart. What is that? Is it his regret? Oh. It must be. Girtin was wiping the tears out of his eyes, trying to look at the orb. It was horrible, terrible to think how it weighed on him. I think that this is what I'm supposed to reap. Well there's only one way to find out. I grip the handle of the scythe again, but not before Girtin stops my hand.
"Uh, Diedre." He murmurs, shyly looking at me.
"Yes?" I smile softly.
"You don't owe it to me to respond to my feelings. Thank you for helping me and for listening." His smile means everything right now.
"Of course. We will get through this."
I motion for him to pull away. I hold the scythe out. A pleased hum enters the air. What was that? Was it the-? Oh. Just like that the orb is gone, sucked up into the blade. I didn't have to do anything at all. Warmth on the handle of "Felicity" causes me to look at the shape added to the metal. It sort of looks like a balloon. What? It was kind of anticlimactic, but considering the pleased hum it gets from Girtin, I decided to keep my mouth shut.
"Oh, a balloon. Hey, don't tell anyone this, but I really like them. Every time we went to the carnival, Betha, Silen, You, me and the adults, I'd always tag along to get them. You three were so excited to get them. I didn't get it. What's the point, I thought. Dang I was so stupid; they made you all happy. It took me a stupidly long time to get it. It's dumb. They just remind me of those days."
"It's not dumb, oh well maybe it is, at first glance, but once you told me I got it. It's so like you." I smile brightly in spite of how drained I felt. "Let's go back." Girtin nods, and lets me grasp his hand.
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I closed my eyes and when I opened them we were back. Not in the real world, like my heart so desperately wanted, but the other one. The one were he was dead and I wasn't. It was the one that I was going to have to be okay with, but I had long since accepted that.
I feel a warm hand on the back of my head, carefully leading my body down upon the ground. I feel so heavy, so tired. The watery version of Girtin in my eyes had an unreadable expression. I wonder lightly if he's used to it now: my fainting spells. My eyes close for another time and I feel the warmth of his arms. I let myself drift off, wondering where Silen was. I hope he's alright.
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I'm sorry.
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So...sorry that was so long. I know we just introduced Girtin last chapter, but plot happened.
I'd give you all hugs but I'm exhausted right now. Please take care of yourselves.
If you need to talk to someone about stuff and you need help there is a (US) hotline for that. I just felt like this would be necessary, considering I tried to keep it as non descriptive as possible.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
---Chapter Navigation--
Chapter 8 (Linky) - Chapter 9 (you are here) --> Chapter 10 (Linky)
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